5 things I'd tell my kids about 'How to Win Friends and Get Along With People'

When I was growing up, my parents and sometimes other elders would advise me (no, naseeha wasn't a bad word back then) about life in general and about people in specific, and how to deal with them. Think of it as a rudimentary People Skills 101 initiation.

This was usually when I was going overboard with a new *friend*, making completely inappropriate new acquaintances, spending too much time with other people unsuitable for company...etc. etc. etc.

When I was on the receiving end of all that naseeha, I'd usually think (I was much too polite to say it out loud to an elder's face): It isn't necessary that what you've seen/known of people is an absolute truth, there are different kinds of people and perhaps the people you've known/seen/had bad experiences with are different from the one's I'm dealing with.

But now, in retrospect, I'm awestruck at how spot-on all that advice was.

Children need an elder's perspective on people...they know too little of life to get by on their own.
So, I was thinking, if I had to tell my own children a couple of golden People Skill Rules, what would I say?

1.
إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ اللّهُ فَلاَ غَالِبَ لَكُمْ
وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا الَّذِي يَنصُرُكُم مِّن بَعْدِهِ
وَعَلَى اللّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

If Allaah helps you, none can overcome you;
and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you?
And in Allaah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
[Qur'aan 3:160]

There...you can chuck social *networking* and all the pseudo airkissing routine along with sucking up to *important* people right out of the window...sure, be nice, polite, respectful, considerate in the Sunnah of the Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم in all sincerity, but never as in N.E.V.E.R think that people can be of benefit/harm in a worldly/otherworldly sense.

It's only Allaah and Him Alone who holds the keys of all the good/bad that can befall you and in Him Alone put your trust, and Him Alone ask for help.

PS:I can't stress this enough, hence the red bolded font, fahimt?


2. Love for others what you love for yourself
The Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم said: "laa yu'minu ahadakum hattaa yuhibbu li akheeh ma yuhibbu li nafsih."
Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, relates that the Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلمsaid: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It's a really deep hadeeth which has endless scope for reflection if you think about it. Here the Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم linked faith itself to one's reciprocal treatment of others.
If you don't like to be treated badly, don't treat others badly, because if you do, you are actually violating your faith.

The more I think about this hadeeth, the more I feel humbled and awed by Rasoolullaah's hikmah and the unsurpassed gift he, صلىالله عليه وسلم had, of speaking volumes within the space of a few words...subhaanallaah!

3. Love Allaah and His Messengerصلىالله عليه وسلم, and you will be granted the gift of the love of his creatures (whose love brings benefit near Allaah)

Narrated Abu Hurairah, may Allaah be pleased with him:
The Prophetصلىالله عليه وسلم said: "If Allaah loves a person, He calls Gabriel saying, 'Allaah loves so and-so; O Gabriel! Love him.' Gabriel would love him and make an announcement amongst the inhabitants of Heaven. 'Allaah loves so-and-so, therefore you should love him also,' and so all the inhabitants of Heaven would love him, and then he is granted the love of the people on the earth and is regarded well by them." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

There you go...you don't have to be a people-pleaser, because as my pet paraphrase goes:
You can please some of the people all the time,
and all the people some of the time,
but it's IMPOSSIBLE (not to mention exhausting and self-defeating) to try and please all the people all the time.

Your best bet is to try and please Allaah in all that you do, and the rest will follow.

4. People are Rizq from Allaah and part of your Qadr.
I honestly believe that all the people that we meet/interact with in our lifetime ...right from the parents whose homes we are born into to the spouses we "choose" or the friendships we "make" are part of Allaah's portion of sustenance for us; we have been decreed to know them and have them enter our lives.
Alhamdulillaah, there's something beneficial to learn from all your interactions with people...even the good, bad and indifferent people. Look at these interactions as Allaah's way of teaching you lessons in life and living and always keep learning and praying to Allaah to grant you the best rizq in this world and the next.

5. You won't always get along with people.
This is the toughest, most terrible truth and it might seem incomprehensible to you when you're young.
As you grow older, you'll find your life littered with 'had-beens', 'could've beens', 'should've beens'. Believe me, in spite of trying your best, there will be friendships that fall apart, relationships that change over time.
The one thing that you can and should do is to pray:
رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالْإِيمَانِ
وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّا لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا
رَبَّنَا إِنَّكَ رَؤُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ
"Our Lord! Forgive us and our brethren who have preceded us in Faith,
And put not in our hearts any ill-feeling/hatred against those who have believed.
Our Lord! You are indeed full of kindness, Most Merciful."

May Allaah make you and me safe from the sharr of our own souls and from the sharr of the people and Jinns; and make us among the people of Jannah, whose hearts will be cleansed of all ill-feeling towards other people... who will be seated facing each other in gardens underneath which rivers flow, in the best and most blessed companionship, faces beaming at attaining the ultimate and everlasting happiness.
Aameen.

question hour: 8 am to 8 pm *only*

are billygoats dangerous?
what's the meaning of psychological?consternation? qaasitoon? faasiqoon?
what do you call tha'lab as-sahraa in English?
what kind of animal is Timone?
can you show me what a real meerkat looks like?
do we have chocolate chips to make cookies?
can we make chocolate chip cookies?
when can we make chocolate chip cookies?
can I play with my new toy?
when can I play with my new toy?
did you have jewellery when you were small?
who was your best friend in school?
how many friends did you have?
who taught abba to drive a car?
how do cable cars work?
why don't cable cars fall?
what's this fire in the sky (lightning)?

at the rate the questions are flowing, I'll have probably blown a fuse in my brain by the time the summer holidays come to an end...which is why I've decided that all questions will be answered only between 8 am and 8 pm...nobody should have to handle questions before and after that...not even mums.

The purpose of language: a lesson in humility

My son and I sit across a table.
His Grade 2 Arabic Qira'ah wal Kitaabah (Reading and Writing) book is open in front of me as I dictate sentences from a lesson that he will be tested on tomorrow.
He writes swiftly, with dark sinuous strokes of his pencil upon the fresh sheet, unhesitating.
The lesson (comprising about 3 printed pages) is finished in around 15 minutes.
I pick up the sheet and read through it, trying to spot mistakes that could cost him precious darajaat (grades) tomorrow.
Nothing. maa shaa Allaah...laa quwwata illaa billaah.
He has it all down perfect, down to the sukoon over the silent alphabets.

It's my turn next.
I hand him the book and he dictates.
Slowly.
Waiting for me to catch up with the text.
The alphabets look clumsy to me, at one point I ask him to show me how to make a better looking ط, ,ى, and ه. I join and re-join the joining letters to make my handwriting look more-grown up and not the childish scrawl it really is. I ponder over which alphabets need sukoon. It takes considerably longer, and while there are no real mistakes, he mercilessly runs the red pencil over some of the alphabets to give them a better shape.

I am humbled, alhamdulillaah.

When I was growing up, I was considered something of a prodigy at home and school because of my language skills. I consistently got top marks in English all through my school years, won a number of handwriting and creative writing competitions, spelling bee trophies, was called on to draft everything from dear-john letters to acceptance speeches by friends and teachers.

I had a newspaper column in one of the mostly widely distributed regional 'papers when I was a teenager; I wrote and worked for some of the biggest national newspapers and magazines. I could make out the Latin origins and meanings of most muscle groups and other arcana that one is force-fed in medical school. I teach others language skills.

Yet, here I am struggling with a Grade 2 Arabic book.

It makes me think of the purpose of language: instilling humility.

The Qur'aan was revealed during a period when the Arabic language was at its pinnacle of development. Poets vied with one other in producing the most grammatically correct and intellectually intricate prose. Yet, nobody could measure up to the simplicity and majesty of the words recited by the unlettered Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم ; inspite of the challenge:

وَإِن كُنتُمْ فِي رَيْبٍ مِّمَّا نَزَّلْنَا عَلَى عَبْدِنَا فَأْتُواْ بِسُورَةٍ مِّن مِّثْلِهِ وَادْعُواْ شُهَدَاءكُم مِّن دُونِ اللّهِ إِنْ كُنْتُمْ صَادِقِينَ
فَإِن لَّمْ تَفْعَلُواْ وَلَن تَفْعَلُواْ فَاتَّقُواْ النَّارَ الَّتِي وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ أُعِدَّتْ لِلْكَافِرِينَ

“And if you are in doubt about what We have revealed to our slave, then bring one chapter like it and call upon all your witnesses/helpers, besides Allaah, if you are truthful. And if you cannot; and indeed you can not, then fear the Fire, the fuel of which is men and stones, prepared for the deniers (of the Truth).” [Soorah Al-Baqarah, 2 : 23]

The language of the Qur'aan was meant to humble people who considered themselves linguistically and intellectually 'accomplished'; who scoffed at the idea of an unlettered man producing sublime verses that rendered them speechless with awe.

Learning Arabic has been an incredibly humbling experience for me.

There are intricacies of grammar and speech which seem like unexplained mysteries to the uninitiated. There is the i'jaaz (inimitable nature) of the Qur'aan, that has been incorrectly understood to be grammatical errors in the Qur'aan; when it is really the transcendence of Divine language above human limitations and man-made rules -- including grammar.

I often wonder, if the purpose of language is really instilling humility, what explains the latent pride on acquiring/knowing a language in all its sacred and mundane intricacy?

Is it not an act of denial of having one's heart and mind opened?

Is it not a negation of: laa hawla wa laa quwwah; illaa billaah (there is no power and strength, except from Allaah)?

Sometimes, I'm glad Arabic is not my first language. It forces me to learn everything afresh; by driving home my enormous ignorance, it frees me from the unsightly burden of pride. alhamdulillaah.

thinking aloud..urdu or french?

okay, so a couple of days back I was making aaloo ka praathaa for lunch (yes i *had* to brag about the fact that i can actually make above average aaloo kaa praathaas) and thinking...(seriously, repetitive jobs like rolling rotis are excellent for linear thinking..try them)..

..and thinking (yes, it's become a habit lately, i find myself thinking all the time, it's the brain coming out of hibernation, it's spring after all)

..and thinking ( if i can still come back to the original thought even after a long circuitous tangent on a sleep deprived saturday post-weekend morning, that's *something*)

...and thinking..(while listening to the sounds of r-r arguing in arabic and the under 5s lip synching to Finding Nemo for the nth time on the dvd): where on earth are we going to find people like us for my kids to marry?

we are *the* most culturally non-aligned people I know (it comes from living in nuclear families in urban areas, i think), and the only vestige of desiness that I have in me is that I have been worrying about whether my future sons and daughters in law will like/love/hate me since the day my kids were born ..(i know..i think too much)

no seriously, we have friends and acquaintances of almost all nationalities and they have *all* at some point told us in a complimentary way..."y'know it's hard to believe you're not one of us"...I'm not so sure that's a good thing now

sure, there are people who say they value the Sunnah more than culture ..but every single family we have seen, have some aspects of their respective culture that they try to inculcate in their children..it could be a particular dialect, a kind of dress, specific food, certain mannerisms ...whatever..

this is something that we don't do..as of now, none of us owns a shalwaar kameez, or our national flag, we eat pasta bechamel and biryaani and weetabix with equal relish, scoff arabic coffee, black and milky tea, and my kids have never watched a bollywood movie, ever..all the things that are supposed to go into making their cultural identity..

it's not negation or self hating or imperialist brainwashing, that's the way we are..and have been ever since we became a family..is that hard to accept?

anyway, what brought out this whole line of thinking, was that this year we have a choice of 3rd language for rasha-rida (they got their embassy results and have done well, alhamdulillaah), should we choose urdu or french?

obviously, they can read urdu because they already know the script which is similar to Arabic, but they can't understand it..because they don't speak it..

i'm thinking of how earlier this year they were all tonguetied and self conscious when we went to meet some relatives who had come down for hajj, b/z they couldn't speak urdu..

i'm thinking of how much untranslated Islaamic literature there is in Urdu, and how much benefit they could receive/bring for others if they translated it..

i think..i just made a decision..whoever said talking to the walls wasn't therapeutic?

no fasting please, we're feasting

Fasting: The Voluntary Way

Adil Salahi, Arab News

I was once visiting some people on the second day of Eid Al-Fitr (i.e. the feast that follows Ramadan) when one of the guests started criticizing people who fast on the second and third days of the Eid, accusing many of them of showing off.

The main point in his argument was that if people wanted to do voluntary fasting, they should not go around visiting others to congratulate them on the occasion of the Eid, because they are bound to tell of their fasting as they will have to decline their hosts’ hospitality. They should either stay at home or at least delay fasting until the Eid is over.

It is well known that we are strongly recommended by the Prophet (peace be upon him) to fast six days after Ramadan. It is the considered opinion of the overwhelming majority of scholars that there is no restriction on which days one chooses to fast. Most people believe that these six days should be in the month of Shawwal, which follows Ramadan, but many scholars consider that this is not necessary, and these six days could be spread over the rest of the year, with no need to make them consecutive. One or two reports, however, advise that these should be in Shawwal, beginning on the second day of the Eid, and should be consecutive. These reports are totally lacking in authenticity and should be discounted. The weightier view is that any six days, chosen at any time throughout the following year, with the exception of the first day of Eid Al-Fitr and the four days of Eid Al-Adha, are equally good.
Our friend’s criticism is sound on the point of visiting people during the Eid and fasting at the same time. People are bound to offer some hospitality: A cool drink, coffee, sweets, etc. A fasting person will apologize to his hosts time after time, until they realize that he is fasting, even though he may not explicitly say so. Thus he publicizes an act of worship that he is better advised to keep secret. As it is the case with all voluntary worship, fasting outside the month of Ramadan is better kept private, an affair between oneself and God.

Ed input: True Story

okay so there's this sister X, whose family was invited to an outdoorsy outing out with another group of families barbecuing chicken, drinking chai made on wooden logs in a metal kettle..see (it's some ppl's idea of fun)?

not wanting to appear pi to a mixed group of acquaintances and strangers, she decides not to fast inspite of it being a Thursday. anyway, to cut a long story short, the group kept getting delayed for a variety of reasons ( someone's car got a flat..someone's kid didn't get dressed on time..) and they left home after asr instead of before dhuhr as scheduled.

by the time they reached the picnic spot and tried to light the springshower-damp coals and logs, it was nearly maghrib...sister X sees the sun going down behind the misty blue hills and thinks of the millions of people who have kept this Thursday's fast , and will beidhnillaah, be receiving 'ajr from Allaah from it and feels miserable.

"what's the matter, why're you looking so down..are you feeling hungry?" a kind lady asks her.

Moral Of the Story: If there's an either/or choice between pleasing people or oneself and Allaah, always choose Allaah.

* makes mental note*