''Indians are obsequious'' and other racist claptrap

For me, one of the biggest challenges of living 'abroad' has been having one's 'nationality' -- and all the positive and negative stereotypes that go with it -- rubbed in one's face several times a day. Never mind if you can't tie a sari to save your life or don't cook nihari for breakfast every weekend, people just assume that you do all the things desis are supposed to do in bollywood movies and tv serials, but are just too embarrassed to admit it in public.
How irritating is that?!
I've been brought up to be polite and considerate, to be solicitous of others' well-being before one's own, to never, ever be outright rude but to withdraw (from conversations/relationships) if they're heading towards a nasty, messy showdown.
To have regular good manners thought of as a racial characteristic, a vestige from years of being colonised makes me want to go up in smoke, honestly. Is this a sign of the times or what, when people are so used to being treated badly that plain ole good manners seem OTT?
This is just a waseeyah to my kids (in case good manners are extinct and completely out of fashion by the time they grow up): don't lose your adab just because people around you have lost theirs/don't appreciate/recognise good manners when they see some .

As Ustaadh Muhammad Al-Shareef writes: Rasul Allah, sal Allah alayhi wa sallam, said, "A believer mayachieve the status of one who fasts during the day regularly andspends the night regularly in prayer: through his good manners."
[Lessons from this Hadith]Ask yourself, what outstanding characteristic am I lacking inthe most? And then, for the next 10 days, just work on buildingthat blessed characteristic into your outstanding mannersportfolio!''

Into the Mind of a Mum (3)

Why I won't buy you a or a and no, my name isn't Ebenezer Scrooge.
okay, I won't buy you or let you buy a laptop or a must-have mobile even though we both have the money to buy both those things (alhamdulillaah) because:
a) It's the old need v/s want thing.
Why on earth would you need a personal laptop at your age when we've got our vintage computer and my dell? (decrepit and lately defunct, but dell all the same). Yes, I know the ratio of users v/s computers in our house is skewed, but still...

b) I'm old fashioned and genetically desi. That translates to: i believe that if you want something really bad which you don't really need, you should work for it. You know what that means...more messed up rooms to clean at the exorbitant rate of SR 100 per room...but think of the satisfaction you'll get when you'll eventually have earned enough money from the sweat of your brow...just think!

c) Laptops allow you to spend unlimited time surfing the net or writing mystery stories and mobiles make it easy for you to call /text random people just to see what they're up to ...both induce you to waste time and money. Why would I let you buy something like that?

d) Seriously though, after seeing what happened to my miskeen old laptop and (just yesterday) my pathetic mobile, how can you even think of having fancy new ones in a house full of sippy cups and leaking bottles, curious fingers and mechanically inclined little minds?

Into the Mind of a Mum (1)

I'm thinking of starting a series of posts that unravel the workings of a mum's mind. Mind you, this is not a generic Mum I'm talking about, this is specifically about the thoughts of one mum among millions: me (not to imply that I'm one in a million or anything :P) so that kids in general and my own kids in particular, get an insight into what's really behind a mother's seemingly bizarre and/or unreasonable commands/demands.

Today, I'm going to start with:

Why I won't let you make an internet ''friend''

You know, in desiland they have this saying: someone who's been burnt by (hot) milk, will drink even (cold) buttermilk by carefully blowing on it. Clumsy translation I know, but basically the message is the same: once bitten twice shy.

After having 'met' and interacted with, confided in, shared work, life histories, experiences, ideas and laughs out loud with plenty of people online, I feel patently qualified to tell you kids that an online ''friendship'' is definitely not for you.

Here are my reasons why:

1. There are scores of criminals and sick people cruising the internet, just waiting to sink their talons into gullible young people looking for an online 'friend'.

I keep reading these stories in the media of how youngsters are lured into conversations with people posing as 'friends' their own age that eventually lead them to great harm.

I think you should be aware of this... this is not just happening to other people, it could happen to anyone. I won't let you expose yourself to this danger, just like I wouldn't let you walk down a busy, unlit road alone at night.

As'alAllaahu al'afwa wal aafiyah.

I ask Allaah to protect you and all the other kids who are careless/unaware of this aspect from all harm.

PS: This site has some useful internet safety rules for Muslim kids...a really beneficial read.

2. On the internet, you are an online 'persona' not a real 'person'.

Sure, online friends might share their thoughts and ideas and innermost feelings with you and you might do the same, but you'll never know the sum total of their personality and they'll never know what you are all about, unless you meet and interact with them in real life.

You know how it is with people, you come to really know them after meeting them over a period of several years -- the nuances of their characters, their good and bad qualities (and yours) are revealed slowly through time and different circumstances.

On the other hand, what you know about people online is what they tell you, you can't make any conclusions of your own because you haven't seen them, haven't heard their tone of voice or observed their body language. You've no idea how they will react when things aren't all that rosy...for example if you have a disagreement / argument.

Sometimes people end up saying things they shouldn't have said / giving out TMI (too much information) about themselves or unconsciously hurting people by their words / actions online. You know it's impossible to unsay words and undo actions, moreso in a virtual world.

So, I strongly feel that instead of investing your time and emotions into someone who really can't be there for you when you need them or when they need you (in moments of crisis / need) you would be better off without all this hassle and unnecessary drama.

You can spend your time and efforts a whole lot more fruitfully by making connections with real people around you, who you can relate with and depend on, who can see you and who can do things for you, and vice versa.

3. Internet friends are for old (er) people

I know this sounds like a double standard, but I firmly believe that kids don't have the psychological maturity, emotional intelligence or fine-honed discretion to make online friends like older, more experienced and well-weathered people do .

No seriously, as you see more of the world, you learn to pick people with greater care and some of us develop this fine instinct / intuition that helps us zero in on the right people and steer clear of the others, alhamdulillaah.

I've 'met' and talked to and had some really stimulating, enriching exchanges with some amazing people over the internet whose existence I'd have been completely unaware of otherwise. Unfortunately, you have to be (at least) my age before you have the know-how to do that :P

So until then, please chill.

• Remember Allaah and make duaa so that He blesses you with tayyib rizq -- companions and friends whose love brings benefit near Him.
• Connect with people around you (cousins, school-friends / family friends' kids).
• Make 'friends' with your siblings instead of always being at war.
• Talk to your parents if you're lonely / confused / need someone to confide in.

• Spend time with the best of people:

"It is reported from Nu’aym bin Hammaad:‘Abdullah bin Al-Mubaarak used to often stay at home, so he was asked, “Don’t you get lonely?” He replied, “How could I get lonely when I am with the Prophet – Allaah’s peace and blessings be upon him (i.e. I read his hadeeth)?”

Also on the authority of Nu’aym bin Hammaad:It was once said to ‘Abdullah bin Al-Mubaarak, “O Abu ‘Abd Al-Rahmaan, you often sit alone at home.” He said, “I am alone? I am with the Prophet - Allaah’s peace and blessings be upon him – and his Companions.” Meaning: reading hadeeth.

Ibn ‘Asaakir, Taareekh Dimashq 32/458.Shaqeeq bin Ibraaheem reports:It was once said to ‘Abdullah bin Al-Mubaarak, “After you have prayed with us you don’t sit with us?” He replied, “I go and sit with the Sahaabah and the Taabi’een.” We said, “And how can you sit with the Sahaabah and Taabi’een (when they have all passed away)?” He replied, “I go and read the knowledge I have collected, I find their narrations and deeds. What would I do with you? You sit around backbiting people.”

[Adh-Dhahabee, Siyar A’laam Al-Nubalaa' in his biography of ‘Abdullah bin Al-Mubaarak.]

In conclusion, I won't let you be/have an online friend because I love you and want to do the right thing for you, even though you might not agree with me/ understand why it has to be this way, right now.

in shaa Allaah, one day you'll know.

junioRs: aww inspiring,eww inducing

must-read: Rasha on her pesky little brothers and other junioRs

I quite liked this poem by a youngster called Kaitlyn (age 14) over at poems-and-quotes

My little brothers quite the rascal
Who runs around all day
Who demands things upon things
And always gets his way

He jumps up on the tables
And screams with all his might
He'll pull and twist my hair
Or try to start a fight

He'll throw around his toys
He'll throw around his food
Or he might hand them to you politely
Just depending on his mood

He'll talk to you for ages
About things you never knew
Things that dearly bore you
But what's a boy to do?

(...)
But over all this time
I've finally come to see
I love my little brother for who he is
I should just let him be.

Nice.

Speaking of 'family' poems, I liked Kamala Das (who incidentally is reported to have become Muslim lately). These are only excerpts which I found online, the complete poems -- especially her 'childhood' collections (that I read when I was in school) -- are poignant reads.

Punishment in kindergarten

Today the world is a little more my own.
No need to remember the pain
A blue frocked women caused,
throwingWords at me like pots and pans ,
to drainThat honey-coloured day of peace.

"why don't you join the others,what a peculiar child you are?"

On the lawn ,in clusters ,
sat my schoolmates sippingSugarcane,
they turned and laughed;
Childrens are funny things, they laugh in mirth at others' tears.

I buried my face in the sun-warmed hedge
And smelt the flowers and the pain
The words are muffled now,
the laughingfaces only a blur.
The years haveSped along ,
stopping brieflyAt beloved halts
and movingSadly on.

My mind has found an adult peace .
No need to remember
That picnic day when I lay hidden by the hedge,
watching the steel white sun
Standing lonely in the sky.

and 'An introduction'

'...be girl, be wife, they said.
Be embroiderer, be cook,
Be a quarreler with servants.
Fit in.
Oh Belong, cried the categorizers…..’

5 things I'd tell my kids about 'How to Win Friends and Get Along With People'

When I was growing up, my parents and sometimes other elders would advise me (no, naseeha wasn't a bad word back then) about life in general and about people in specific, and how to deal with them. Think of it as a rudimentary People Skills 101 initiation.

This was usually when I was going overboard with a new *friend*, making completely inappropriate new acquaintances, spending too much time with other people unsuitable for company...etc. etc. etc.

When I was on the receiving end of all that naseeha, I'd usually think (I was much too polite to say it out loud to an elder's face): It isn't necessary that what you've seen/known of people is an absolute truth, there are different kinds of people and perhaps the people you've known/seen/had bad experiences with are different from the one's I'm dealing with.

But now, in retrospect, I'm awestruck at how spot-on all that advice was.

Children need an elder's perspective on people...they know too little of life to get by on their own.
So, I was thinking, if I had to tell my own children a couple of golden People Skill Rules, what would I say?

1.
إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ اللّهُ فَلاَ غَالِبَ لَكُمْ
وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا الَّذِي يَنصُرُكُم مِّن بَعْدِهِ
وَعَلَى اللّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

If Allaah helps you, none can overcome you;
and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you?
And in Allaah (Alone) let believers put their trust.
[Qur'aan 3:160]

There...you can chuck social *networking* and all the pseudo airkissing routine along with sucking up to *important* people right out of the window...sure, be nice, polite, respectful, considerate in the Sunnah of the Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم in all sincerity, but never as in N.E.V.E.R think that people can be of benefit/harm in a worldly/otherworldly sense.

It's only Allaah and Him Alone who holds the keys of all the good/bad that can befall you and in Him Alone put your trust, and Him Alone ask for help.

PS:I can't stress this enough, hence the red bolded font, fahimt?


2. Love for others what you love for yourself
The Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم said: "laa yu'minu ahadakum hattaa yuhibbu li akheeh ma yuhibbu li nafsih."
Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, relates that the Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلمsaid: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It's a really deep hadeeth which has endless scope for reflection if you think about it. Here the Prophet صلىالله عليه وسلم linked faith itself to one's reciprocal treatment of others.
If you don't like to be treated badly, don't treat others badly, because if you do, you are actually violating your faith.

The more I think about this hadeeth, the more I feel humbled and awed by Rasoolullaah's hikmah and the unsurpassed gift he, صلىالله عليه وسلم had, of speaking volumes within the space of a few words...subhaanallaah!

3. Love Allaah and His Messengerصلىالله عليه وسلم, and you will be granted the gift of the love of his creatures (whose love brings benefit near Allaah)

Narrated Abu Hurairah, may Allaah be pleased with him:
The Prophetصلىالله عليه وسلم said: "If Allaah loves a person, He calls Gabriel saying, 'Allaah loves so and-so; O Gabriel! Love him.' Gabriel would love him and make an announcement amongst the inhabitants of Heaven. 'Allaah loves so-and-so, therefore you should love him also,' and so all the inhabitants of Heaven would love him, and then he is granted the love of the people on the earth and is regarded well by them." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

There you go...you don't have to be a people-pleaser, because as my pet paraphrase goes:
You can please some of the people all the time,
and all the people some of the time,
but it's IMPOSSIBLE (not to mention exhausting and self-defeating) to try and please all the people all the time.

Your best bet is to try and please Allaah in all that you do, and the rest will follow.

4. People are Rizq from Allaah and part of your Qadr.
I honestly believe that all the people that we meet/interact with in our lifetime ...right from the parents whose homes we are born into to the spouses we "choose" or the friendships we "make" are part of Allaah's portion of sustenance for us; we have been decreed to know them and have them enter our lives.
Alhamdulillaah, there's something beneficial to learn from all your interactions with people...even the good, bad and indifferent people. Look at these interactions as Allaah's way of teaching you lessons in life and living and always keep learning and praying to Allaah to grant you the best rizq in this world and the next.

5. You won't always get along with people.
This is the toughest, most terrible truth and it might seem incomprehensible to you when you're young.
As you grow older, you'll find your life littered with 'had-beens', 'could've beens', 'should've beens'. Believe me, in spite of trying your best, there will be friendships that fall apart, relationships that change over time.
The one thing that you can and should do is to pray:
رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالْإِيمَانِ
وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّا لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا
رَبَّنَا إِنَّكَ رَؤُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ
"Our Lord! Forgive us and our brethren who have preceded us in Faith,
And put not in our hearts any ill-feeling/hatred against those who have believed.
Our Lord! You are indeed full of kindness, Most Merciful."

May Allaah make you and me safe from the sharr of our own souls and from the sharr of the people and Jinns; and make us among the people of Jannah, whose hearts will be cleansed of all ill-feeling towards other people... who will be seated facing each other in gardens underneath which rivers flow, in the best and most blessed companionship, faces beaming at attaining the ultimate and everlasting happiness.
Aameen.

boys to men

21 skills I'm hoping my sons acquire before they're 21 (in shaa Allaah, pls pray for us!!)

1. Complete their tahfeeth and get an 'ijaazah to teach the Qur'aan (a kind of permission/license to teach others, granted by a scholar to someone who has learnt under him)
2. Develop a sense of ghayrah for sisters -- not just the ones at home, but *every* Muslim/non-Muslim female they encounter in their lives...to be protective of them, if necessary even from the desires of their own selves.
3. Learn to lower their gaze -- in spite of all the talk, I still believe that this isn't emphasised enough and there's evidence all around. I believe that the one person who can really drill this in is the mother -- halaqahs or lectures or what have you can only do so much..
4. Learn to be righteous, not self-righteous. Take the deen way more seriously than they take themselves.
5. Revive the Sunnah -- most importantly, the Sunnah of being *kind* to all the creatures of Allaah -- Muslims, non-Muslims, animals, trees..
6. Be responsible, pick up after themselves
7. Navigate their way around the kitchen reasonably well...be confident enough to cook a meal or two on their own and make drinkable tea/coffee if there's company
8. Change their socks everyday and *tie* them together instead of scattering them around the house; put dirty clothes in the laundry basket
9. Save a slot for reading everyday -- not just the 'papers
10. Give an inspiring khutbah or speak publicly in a manner that can soften hearts, not score points
11. Be soft in speech -- the Qur'aan likens a raised voice to the sound of donkeys and calls it the "ankaral aswaat" -- the most repulsive of sounds.
12. Take care of their bodies and health -- choose the right food to eat and exercise -- everyday -- no matter how much the world rests heavy on their shoulders
13. Make community service a life choice, not just a weekend indulgence
14. Drive safely -- put the seatbelt on as a reflex, never jump lights and *never* give in to the urge to go dune/speed-breaker bashing
15. Play fair -- always.
16. Be money savvy -- know what to buy and where to buy it; what to spend and how much to save.
17. Have patience and make it second nature to give everyone their rights -- Allaah, His Messenger, other Muslims, parents, spouses, their own selves
18. Act in consultation with others
19. Be discerning and choose well -- be it clothes or the company they choose to keep; a car or a career or the other half of their deen. Never be fooled twice.
20. Allow themselves to cry: out of fear/remembrance of Allaah, out of wonder at his creation, out of compassion
21. Be real rijaal -- not in the macho-cultural sense, but in the model of the best men who lived on earth -- the Prophet,صلىالله عليه وسلم , and his Companions.