Nope ...it's not everything your parents say;)
Jun 14 2004
By Andrea Henry
WE CAN all use a helping hand when we're getting to grips with a new product or finding our way around a foreign country.
But do you ever get the feeling that some instructions, notices and warnings are written by idiots for idiots, and that others simply defy explanation?
Unnecessary, redundant, badly translated or completely meaningless, a hilarious new book reveals the worst - or should that be best? - offenders...
Cautionary Tales
BEWARE: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions - on a toboggan
DO not eat toner - on a laser-printer cartridge
CAUTION: knives are sharp - on a knife sharpener
SHIN guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover - on shin pads for cyclists
CAUTION: hot beverages are hot - on a takeaway coffee cup
DO not use for drying pets - on a microwave oven
CAUTION: remove infant before storing chair - on a pushchair
SEAT must be facing forward for take-off and landing - on the back of the pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft
DO not open here - on the bottom of a cola bottle
THIS broom does not actually fly - on a Harry Potter wizard's broom
DO not take if allergic to aspirin - on a box of aspirin
REMOVE clothing before distributing in washing machine - on bottle of laundry detergent
REMOVE wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat - on a muffin packet
THE appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the "on" position - on a kettle
INSTRUCTIONS: put on food. - on a ketchup bottle
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Out and About
DON'T take a chance on ruining your vacation - come to us and be sure - travel office in Nova Scotia
IN case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly - emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp
ENTRANCE Only. Do Not Enter - car park sign
BEWARE of People - sign in Hong Kong street
BEWARE! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted - at a railway station in the USA
DO not expect on floor. Resident is forbidden to ride on steppes. Do not make speech with man make tram go. Person without ticket will be persecuted - Rules in a tram in Prague
TAKE care: new non-slip surface - sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA
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Pointless Warnings
FOR use by trained personnel only - on a can of air freshener
KEEP away from children - on a bottle of baby lotion
DO not wash - on a pair of socks bought in Egypt
SOME assembly required - on a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle box
MAY irritate eyes - on a can of pepper spray used for self-defence
WARNING: may contain small parts - on a frisbee
IN order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors - car handbook
WARNING: This product may contain residue of nuts - on a packet of cashew nut pieces
REPLACING battery: replace the old battery with a new one - directions for mosquito repellant
NOT suitable for children aged 36 months or less - on a birthday card for a one-year-old
WARNING: do not blow dry in sleep - on a hairdryer
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Hopeless Hotels
IN order to prevent shoes from mislaying, please don't corridor them. The management cannot be held - hotel on the Ionian Sea, Greece
PLEASE do not turn on TV except in use - hotel bedroom
DEPOSITING the room key into another person is prohibited - hotel in Japan
PLEASE leave your values at the front desk - hotel in Paris
CAUTION: when you take a bath, please close the door and switch on the fun without fail - hotel in Japan
PUSH this button in case anything happens - lift in a Japanese hotel
TO call room service, please open the door and call room service - hotel in Istanbul
PLEASE hang your order before retiring on your doorknob. - hotel in Ankara
VISITORS are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily - hotel in Athens
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You did WHAT with it?
DO not use orally - on a toilet-cleaning brush
DO not spray in your face - on spray paint can
NOT dishwasher safe. - on a TV remote control
NOT to be used for drying hair. - on a blowtorch
NO small children - on washing machine in a launderette
DO not use as an ice cream topping - on a bottle of hair dye
DO not attempt to swallow - on a mattress
DO not use under water - on a toaster
NOT to be used as a hedge-trimmer - on a push-along lawnmower
DO not put in mouth - on a box of fireworks
DO not allow children to play in the dishwasher - on a dishwasher
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Preposterous Proclamations
STOP! This is the last rung. - sign on a ladder
PLEASE call us! We will provide you with any emergency - advertisement for a babysitting service in Japan
PLEASE leave a pet outside - At an ice cream parlour in Japan
DO not use the diving board when the swimming pool is empty - sign at pool in Sri Lanka
DANGER: If you fall in the pond, you will be boiled - at a hot spring in Japan
IF you cannot find what you are looking for on our menu, please ask our waitress what you would like - menu at an English hotel
"EAT your fingers off" - "Finger lickin' good", when first translated into Chinese
LADIES! Have a fit upstairs - sign in a tailor's shop in Hong Kong
THE World's Stupidest Instructions is published by Michael O'Mara Books.
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